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"Credit where credit is due. He has the honour of being the first SNP First Minister in its entire history not to have been arrested."

Penny Mordaunt (what a name) on Humza Yousaf.

I had the privilege of living in Scotland for almost 14 years. There were occasions when a Scot would speak to me. Never, in 14 years, was I invited over the threshold to the house of a Scot.

I now live in Yorkshire and they have a couple of things in common. Firstly they have a similar population count and secondly they have almost the same number of MPs.

Yorkshire is not asking for independence, because if you have ever been there, they bloody well are. You can always tell a Yorkshireman, but you cannot tell him much.

And by the way, within a week or two of being in Yorkshire I was invited to everything. My neighbour brings in my wheelie bin. The food, everywhere, is good. We talk about how it used to be tough, but now we have a bob or two we can reminisce over a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier about the times we lived under a rolled up newspaper.

Scotland is a miserable place full of miserable people. The food is horrible and it rains all the time. After 14 years, the question, "Are you here on holiday?" became very wearing on the soul. I'd leave them to it if I were you.

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